Self-Discovery in Solitude: Part 1 - "Wisdom comes in silence of the mind ..... Truth reveals itself in silence"

Self-Discovery in Solitude

Awaken Insight

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Spending time alone can be a profound opportunity to go deep within and discover who you truly are.

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"The pandemic was one of the best things that happened to me. I'm finally having a lot of time alone, no job, no friends, no interaction, and I'm enjoying it.." -- Anna Costa

"Wisdom comes in silence of the mind ! Your true self comes out the moment you are aware that you're not your  mind . You should not let your mind tell you who you are  and how to live your life ,  is your hart you should listen .  Truth reveals itself in silence. I like your peaceful and  loving energy  "Awaken Insight" ! God bless You ! -- Marius lordache

"I have just recently found you on here. I  have spent  A LOT of time alone throughout my life. I have always enjoyed my alone time as I work in the customer service industry. The last few years I have dealt with physical health issues injuries and a surgery which had caused me to be more isolated than ever and then this pandemic hit..... Still an essential customer service worker yet more isolated than ever in my personal life for so many reasons. I have been finding comfort in different voices on YouTube that help me in knowing that I am not alone. And this is a perfect time to reflect more and understand and love myself more.  I listen to Alan Watts and different vibrational music daily since April. Now, Nada, you have brought a new level to my days. I thank you!  I especially like your videos when you are outside because if I am not working I am sitting outside and relating to my backyard surroundings and habits of nature. I have been scrolling through some of your past years yet I hope that you will continue with this journey of sharing as a student of life like me 😊 " -- Theresa Hanson

"Its kinda strange being me in a way. I usually don't care wether people like me or not because I am so lost in my own world learning things and creating arts and music. I mean at the same time I also don't want people to talk bad about me or lie about me for no reason. I mean I leave them alone so they should leave me alone too. People can be very toxic when they want to. Because I used to have problems with people because they had negative interpretations of me I would just walk into the woods to be alone and focus on the arts and lose myself into a wonderful world. Not losing touch with reality or anything just a world of thinking positive thoughts in a peaceful environment like the woods beside streams etc. Or I wil focus on the people who I do get on well with and relive good memories." -- Exploring Biblical End Times

"I absolutely love time by myself where I can ponder on life, myself and just learn to accept myself. I feel harmony here, unconnected from the other reality, but more connected with what life is. I love this time. 🌸 -- Sammi - Love is the Answer

"I’ve been alone most of my life. Except the company of pets, I was forced into mixing when married, but it went across the grain, so now, largely I choose life hermit style. I need a non superficial friend who is well awakened, then it could be beautiful...but doubt meeting such w soul will be possible in this life" -- margaret robertson

"I think it takes a long time (~years) to de-condition yourself. I am just trying to be a witness to my actions, thoughts, everything. I see the resistance that comes up as a result of learnt values. I see a contest between the reality and what I think reality ought to be and even that contest is a part of reality. I have a lot of anxiety about everything but I chose to stay away from what I consider shallow materialism to be alone at home." -- Rithvik Sreekantham

"I began my spiritual journey as a result to spending time alone. For years prior to that, I had always felt lonely, and un-relatable. I then began to learn more about myself in that  time I spent alone. This year, I then decided to reach out to people more and engage as a way to "come out of my shell". However, since I've evolved spiritually , I have become un-relatable once again. I didn't want to be "alone" anymore, I wanted to share my growth but nobody really understood me. Lately I've been confused on how to go about finding solitude because of how I have disconnected from many people and energies...I wanted to share this in case anybody else could "relate" (haha!)" -- Aphiwe Mdiuli

"The Peace I get being with my dogs alone is worth more than a million dollars to me. I can spend numerous hours in the park with my dogs per say and get a peaceful meditation in which leads to a Peaceful day, week,  year and I love it. I will never trade this time in for anything or for any person in the world. We also walk approximately ten miles throughout the day and night through the woods and on the beaches. They have taught me more then any tricks I've taught them in our Lifetime. Unconditional L❤️ve." -- Lisa Lane

"you might find yourself when you are alone for a period of time" Daniel olsson

"Very beautifully put. What you are describing is the teachings of the Avaita teachers. For most practical teaching today that can be lived in everyday like is Roger Castillo the pupil of Ramesh  Balsekar.  Just really liked your delivery ....thanks. As humans we all experience fear ( from a mild uncomfortableness to sheer terror) of being alone and not part of a group in which we experience a sense of safety. This s why we go to great lengths to be accepted and approved of by the Group. Recognising this fear and just letting it be there will result in one day totally dissolving." -- Graham Travé

"Thank you" -- Mohana
[From her page, the mantra: Surrender; Faith; Patience]

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The Psychology of Solitude

1,356,965 views - August 22, 2017

Academy of Ideas

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In this video we investigate the fear of solitude, explain the detrimental effects it can have on one’s relationships, and explore the benefits of overcoming this fear and learning to find solace in solitude.

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The Psychology of... (Academy of Ideas; 15 videos)

 

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"The fear of finding oneself alone - that is what they suffer from - and so they don't find themselves at all." -- Andre Gide

 

"It is what one takes into solitude that grows there, the beast within included." -- Nietzsche, 'Thus Spoke Zarathustra'

 

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”I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.” – Robin Williams

-- BMW E46 M3

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"Solitude is food for the soul. It's not dangerous, it's the key to freedom." -- Srikanth TS

 

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"If you are lonely when you're alone, you are in bad company." - Jean-Paul Sartre

-- Parmenides

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"When you seclude yourself and let go of attachments it helps you realize the lies and deceit created within society. I consider my physical disability a curse, yet it is a blessing. Since I have had to quit working I have learned much about myself that I wouldn't have had time to figure out." -- Richard Lanier

"Self-imposed solitude without forced isolation is healthy. Overcoming the fear of being alone is a profound facet of self-mastery. For me, it is a blissful achievement." -- Luke N

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"Being alone is one of the greatest blessing you can ever experience..  dont believe the masses or psychology.. trust yourself.." -- Palmer Off Grid

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"You get so alone at times that it just makes sense." ~Charles Bukowski

-- Bearded Jagger

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"I’ve always loved being alone but noticed that I often used cleaning, entertainment etc to distract my mind. Solitude can become much more beneficial when you allow yourself to feel the emotions that come with it.

"I am an introvert (not shy) to the most extreme extent, and really needed this video to connect back with and understand myself again. Thank you."

-- Jessilyn Callioux
 

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Ritus Sulphurium: The Darkest Mass - Part III

So who made up this revolutionary coalition? They were a small segment of dissidents from all of the victimized groups, including: Templars, Freemasons, Rosicrucians, Luciferians, Hermeticists, and Alchemists who were driven underground…. persecuted Jews, Catholics who were thrown under the carriage due to politics or some other alternate reason, and even a few forcefully converted crypto-Muslims…. Protestants in hiding, such as Cathars, Waldensians, Spiritual Franciscans, Hussites, and Beguines…. Druids, Odinists, Witches, and many other pagan polytheists living in the shadows…. overthrown Monarchs, Gnostic heretics, and miscellaneous others who were destroyed by the ruling order for reasons that were political and economic, or those who ended up on the wrong side of personal vendettas from the ruling class…. or simply the kith and kin of innocent people who were tortured and murdered!

All of these dissidents made up a relatively small number of people who began to network together. They wouldn’t represent the typical person from their own communities, but as individuals they were traumatized, angry, and damaged. Everything above is based on fact, and now for the speculation. Knowing now the clear pattern of their behavior over time, I believe there must have been one night that the general leadership of this revolutionary coalition were all in one place at one time to be counted, to lay out their goals, and to permanently cement their new accord. The one conclave where they could commence their movement; where they swore revenge, and vowed to someday destroy the Church forever.

Over the coming centuries, this hidden hand would operate via proxy under the guise of many revolutionary movements where only they would be the victors. Each step seemingly unconnected to the next, and the next, and the next. History has known them as Jacobins, Illuminati, British-Israel World Federation, Hellfire Club, League of the Just, Royal Institute of International Affairs, Council on Foreign Relations, Communism, Monopoly Capitalism, war profiteers, frackers, Big Pharma, Secret Intelligence Service (compartmentalized black operations cells), Black Rock, Zionism, Globalism, Process Church, Bohemian Club, Skull and Bones, Société Générale de Belgique, Fabian Socialism, Business Roundtable, Carlyle Group, Project for the New American Century, International Bank of Settlements, Frankfurt School, Hand of Death, Hollywood, Lucis Trust, Rockefeller Foundation, Neo-Conservatives, Neo-Liberals, Silicon Valley, Bohemian Club, Wall Street, Central Intelligence Agency (compartmentalized black operations cells), Club of Rome, World Economic Forum, United Nations, and more than could ever be listed here.

They can destroy any opposing movement through infiltration and slander, they can create artificial revolutions through controlled opposition, create wars and arm both sides, make the innocent guilty and the guilty innocent, conduct weather wars, and a hundred other vicious tactics to permanently run roughshod over society. They’ve either taken over from the inside or created alliances with their former enemies. They’re white leather loafers on a marble floor in an ivory tower on Wall Street manipulating a few blips on a computer screen to steal the wealth from a Midwest farmer, while at the same time they’re black boots on a concrete street a few miles away setting a hard working immigrant's business on fire. They’re more than evil; there may not be an appropriate word for them in the English language.

So lets just speculate that at midnight, on Saturday, May 1, 1509, this revolutionary coalition secretly met in a remote wooded location in the Sonian Forrest south of Brussels, then the capitol of a small regional state within the Holy Roman Empire, to finally set their plans in stone. The abused will become the abuser, and much worse than that abuser. Saturday literally means “Saturn’s Day.” “May 1” is their admitted date for “Revolution.” I’m aware that May 1st had a different pagan spiritual meaning, but they've co-opted it like so many other things. May 1, 1509 = 5-1-1509 = 5+1. 1+5, and 9 = 669 = 666, the numerical dimensions of Saturn’s north pole. Of course, this is probably not the date or the place, but I’m sure that there is some deep occult tie-in to whatever name, date, place, and time that it actually was. Perhaps July 15, 1506, Midsummer, such as with the ‘Cremation of Care” ritual at Bohemian Grove. I’m 99% certain that there was a DATE involved. Even if somehow there wasn't a definitive date, then they must have later installed one! It's probably some date that they've symbolically foisted upon us as part of their incessant fetish ever since. The founding of the Illuminati was in 1776 (I guess putting the exact date on the back of the dollar bill would have been too overt even for them), and that date is the exoteric, while this unknown earlier starting date is the esoteric.

All of this secret history is recorded and is a major fetish for them, that I suppose they will come out in the open with at some future point. For example, when they created the Project for the New American Century. They absolutely did not need to create that group, and with a website, with plans no less! They love to fetishize their actions. They could have created a secret temporary group with all of the same individuals to meet their goal, and it would have been much more practical; but the fetish, always the fetish! They just love to create yet another secret group! The Trilateral Commission was created by longtime Democrat hander Zbigniew Brzezinski, and has NO practical function! They merely did it for the fetish of it! So for whatever it’s worth, I’m sure they had a specific date and time for their first ritual. I’ll just speculate that it may have been called ‘Ritus Sulphurium’ (The Rite of Sulphur), as they've been such a corrosive force in the world.

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Ritus Sulphurium: The Darkest Mass - Part II

To jump ahead to clarify one point, there are different types of Satanists today; from a simple harmless theology, to something somewhat like benevolent Paganism, to ritual mass murderers. One size doesn’t fit all. Anton Levey was either a legitimate philosopher so to speak, and simply tried to make money to fund his organization, or he was a fraud who was in it for the money, or he was an agent of the higher ups who were trying to create like a "minor league Satanism" for maybe recruitment or some other purpose. I would guess the latter. I don't know, but Leveyan Satanism is not big league Satanism. It’s like grammar school Satanism. Maybe they thought they need that. Real Satanism is the “Cult of Saturn,” which is massive. If a person just doesn’t care about anything, has no principles, is of average intelligence, and wants to be successful… just seek them out and join! I don’t suggest it, if for no other reason than they’re dishonest!

How can you follow their motto, “Do what thou wilt,” when you’re completely controlled by highly advanced mechanisms that plug you into a technocratic system? It’s impossible, so "do what thou wilt" isn't worth a damn. I’ve looked closely at their plans, and it’s nothing short of suffocating. According to the Bible, Satan is a liar, and they’ve adopted that personality! It doesn’t matter what you believe; that’s their system! Personally, I like the old Saturnian tradition, as long as it doesn't have anything to do with men in high places or the projected “bad guy from the Bible.” One size doesn't fit all. The more malevolent type, as stated previously, got started in the Middle Ages; likely initially when Christian heretics were caught numerous times in various places, having orgies with animals, and conducting rituals involving numerous bodily fluids that I won’t name. The Church felt that it had to respond to this, and perhaps also used it as a pretext to establish a stronger socio-religious-political bond, so they created the "boogey man" from the Bible... Satan! It was all blamed on "Satanism," and that was a legitimately false "Satanic panic."

The genuine ancient Saturnian traditions had long disappeared by that time, only surviving in co-opted symbolism within Catholicism, Islam, and Judaism. Saturn was once a light-purple shining northern star in what was once our binary solar system, during what the ancients referred to as “The Golden Age.” In this age, thousands of years ago, there existed a rivalry between the solar cults and the Saturn cults. As Saturn slowly fizzled out and became a dwarf star, apparently a different process than a supernova which would have killed us all, the Saturn cults faded away. The solar cults took over in a succession of traditions, leading to the Egyptian Sun cult, which became Christianity. There were other Indo-European planetary cults as well; Lunar, Martian, Venusian, and others. Later it became so convoluted that some later religions have symbolism from more than one. For example, Islam has both Saturnian and Venusian symbolism. The lower crescent symbol is actually a Venusian symbol, as it was much more prominent in the sky in past centuries.

As has occurred throughout human history, the new revolutionary coalition adapted the ancient Saturnian tradition as their organizing principle for waging war. However, they predominantly adopted the Biblical version; not the genuine Saturnian tradition! In their self-serving manner, returning to “The Golden Age” simply meant that they would begin their quest to bend the entire world to their will. Now it is true that the ancient Saturnian Priesthood, such as existed in Phoenicia-Canaan, did engage in human sacrifices… including sacrificing children. However, the early Christians did the very same thing, and it continued right through the Middle Ages! The Eucharist wasn’t always merely wine and crackers. Also, every major church and cathedral constructed during the Middle Ages has a dark secret; a small child was kidnapped and cemented alive in one of the front pillars.

So when a Christian zealot complains about Halloween, and how the Druids conducted human sacrifices; or about Easter, and how the Canaanites sacrificed people; or even Christmas, and perhaps how the ancient Teutons held brutal rites… they did the same. The various inquisitions shouldn’t be any surprise. The Medieval Church caused, by their own actions over a long period of time, a reaction; an “underground Satanic church” that has now existed for centuries. This oppression, despotism, torture, and murder caused their victims so much trauma, that a small number of very angry people got together and created SATANISM!! Now it always has, and it always will, be conflated with the ancient Saturnian Priesthood. Of course, they’ve also plagiarized from the ancient European pagan traditions, such as with the seasonal Sabbats. However, the new Satanism is still a perversion of them; a system founded and designed specifically for revenge. A terrifying legacy from damaged people of centuries past; a program intended to poison everything they touch.

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Ritus Sulphurium: The Darkest Mass - Part I

World history changed in one night

During the second half of the Middle Ages, long after the Dark Ages supposedly were to have ended, something sinister came across the land. Political and religious upheaval, the inquisitions, witch hunts, the Burning Times. In March of 1314, as the Grand Master of the Knights Templar was literally burning to death, he was said to have cursed the Monarchy and Church. Jacques de Molay swore vengeance! Somehow after the Templars were finished with their business in Jerusalem, they returned, massively expanded their membership, and became an incredible maritime/business/banking empire; a veritable breakaway international state! Many powerful people, including the King himself, were soon up to their eyeballs in debt to them. The Church, in particular it's own banking empire, apparently felt threatened. It's as though they found some type of lost secrets from the ancient world during their travels in the near east. The secrets of money?

de Molay swearing vengeance

Some of the revolutionary coalition mentioned throughout this whole piece were probably guilty of a whole lot of things! There are always two sides to a story, even though it's not popular today to say so. For example, written history charges the pagan Vikings with engaging in endless violent raids on Christian monasteries, forgetting that the Christians had first deliberately blocked most of their trade routes. Lets try to set aside most of the speculation of who may have been justified in their actions, or not, for now. This story is to answer the question of why the world is the way that it is today. This is the ultimate tale of the abused becoming the abuser. This is about how a small coalition of thoroughly defeated groups of people coalesced to conquer the world. There have always been those who will say that it's this group or that group; saying that it's "them" or it all goes back to "this group." Often, over the course of history, most of these are just small temporary coteries designed to fulfill one particular goal, and then disbanded.  However, in the bigger picture, it was only a very tiny segment of each victimized concern which participated from the beginning, and form the ruling families of today.

Satanism: From imagination to reality

The brutal oppression, show trials, tortures, and executions of people based on their imaginary allegiance to Satan took place between the years 1450 and 1750. The vast majority of these people had no connection to any sort've pagan tradition at all. Probably exactly ZERO of them were actually "Satanists," at least in the beginning of this. Many of those charged were done so based on economic, political, or some personal reason if truth be known. Up to 50,000 people were executed during this time, and countless others tortured. This is aside from other religious persecutions, such as the Spanish Inquisition (1478-1834) or the destruction of the Cathars and other protestant sects. The emerging revolutionary coalition must have been made up of an almost boundless number of religious, political, or economic concerns.... or even just the families of innocent people who were murdered by the symbiotic state-church structure! It may have been an old lady merely collecting herbs for some type of simple folk medicine!

The high point of the witch trials occurred between 1580 and 1630. The torture was immense! I suppose that I don't really need to delve into all of that, except to ponder that this occurred over fifteen generations! If they had started in 1722, then they would just be ending now. There were private entrepreneurs and opportunists who got into the act. When a government promotes something stupid, there will never be a lack of willing participants! One such group was the Vehmic Court in Westphalia, who hunted down and executed pagans. They could have just operated as paid assassins! They could murder someone and just say that the person was a witch or Devil worshiper, and it would then be okay. Another example, in approximately the year 1473, German Domincan Churchman Heinrich Kramer was appointed as the official inquisitor by the Archbishop of Salzburg. Henricus Inquisitor, as he was known, was responsible for the Tyrol, Salzburg, Bohemia, and Moravia. In other words, he was a paid thug put in charge of stopping the rise of the imaginary Satanic sects in those areas. He was going to "find them" whether they existed or not. He was just one of the many leaders of the inquisition across Europe for centuries! In 1487 he authored 'Malleus Maleficarum' ("Hammer of Witches"), a guide to witchcraft and how to interrogate people in order to get a confession out of them. The methods were so extreme that even some authorities of the day condemned it.

Three centuries of torture

The Spanish Inquisition was part of the larger Catholic Inquisition (or known simply as "The Inquisition"), as was the Roman, Portuguese, and other Inquisitions. These inquisitions very much included Protestant sects! Cathars, Waldensians, Spiritual Franciscans, the Hussites, and the Beguines were terrorized by the inquisitors. Any institution which could be thought of as competition to the Catholic Church, and later other dominant Protestant sects, had the screw put to them. It wasn't just the death toll, 50,000 over three centuries, as there were battles in World War II where 100,000 soldiers died in a single day. It was the aura of fear that existed over that time period, a dark cloud that just wouldn't go away. As is human nature, the fear eventually turns to anger. When the vast majority of history's conquerors finally defeated the targeted population, such as with the Roman Empire, the next step was to allow them to partake in its system and bring them into the fold. These religious zealots did not offer that at all! They just kept putting the screw to them! Even a bully in school, who wants smaller students' lunch money, is at least satiated if they hand it over to him. They're backed into a corner, but they're at least allowed a chance to get out of that corner if they cooperate. However, as stated, there was no end to the violent oppression, and anyone could be a victim if they weren't careful.

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The Saturn-Moon Matrix - The most important occultic, scientific, historical, and metaphysical reality for humankind in our physical universe

 

David Icke - Saturn Moon Matrix

Hostile Takeover

October 29, 2020

 

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Each aspect of this lecture could easily be expanded to at least an hour long examination each. Still, this is a good short summary. The implications of this is boundless. For example, the dinosaurs may well have existed in a small solar system under a star that we now know as Saturn (now a dwarf star), and only later entered this star system. This solar system may have been terraformed for us, and we were brought here. All of our ancestors mixed their blood with various early hominids of one type or another. 'Ancient Aliens' barely scratches the surface. In the same way that our Sun emits a yellow light, or that our closest neighbor binary star Alpha Centauri emits a bluish light, Saturn was said to have emitted a purplish light. The old Saturnian Priesthood of Phoenicia-Canaan used to wear purple hooded robes. The world court systems are all set up very distinctly with symbolism from this ancient Saturnian religious rite.

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Ticinese heritage in the wine country

The Swiss Hotel

History

[From SwissHotelSonoma.com]

In 1835, fifteen years before the Bear Flag Rebellion that established the California Republic, Mexican General Mariano Vallejo laid out the streets of Sonoma around an 8 acre town square. The square is known locally as The Plaza, and is the crown jewel of Sonoma’s architectural heritage.

Between 1836 and 1840, the General’s Brother, Don Salvador Vallejo, built his family home in the middle of the block on the north side of the Plaza. That beautiful adobe structure still stands today. As a hotel, the home is said to have served as a stagecoach stop in the 1870’s. In 1892 it was acquired by the Toroni family and run as the Ticino Hotel, serving railroad passengers and employees who stopped in Sonoma to spend the night. When another hotel on the west side of the Plaza burned to the ground, the Toronis simply took its name for their own, and to this day the Vallejo home is known as the Swiss Hotel.

Hank Marioni is the fourth generation of his family operating the Swiss Hotel as a hotel and restaurant. His great grandfather, Mose Mastelotto, purchased the building in 1923, and it passed from him to his daughter, Antonetta and her husband Henry Marioni in 1929. In 1945, their daughter, Helen, and her husband Ted Dunlap took over, running the Swiss Hotel until 1991. At that time, their nephew Hank Marioni spent one and a half years remodeling and retrofitting the building, and re-opened the Swiss Hotel as a modern hotel and restaurant while preserving the historic charm.

With a bar that is virtually unchanged through four generations, and walls covered with a photographic history of the town, its people and notable visitors. The Swiss Hotel remains today, as it has for well over 100 years, a beautiful reminder of Sonoma’s colorful past.

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Deep Ticinese roots

Backdated from 9-7-22

After a long period of disarray, I'm currently living in Sonoma, California. The weather is blazing hot compared to coastside, where heat waves only last two to three days. You don't even need to look at the weather report here during the summer. With a population of only 10,739, the surrounding farmland dwarfs the residential area. The Sebastiani Winery is just down the highway, maybe just over a mile away. The decorative flags downtown reflect the regions' old roots: American, Californian, Mexican, Italian, Spanish, French, English, and Swiss which essentially represents Ticinese roots... although there had also been Swiss German farmers in the distant past.

Ticino--just like the Val Camonica, Valtellina, Val Chiavenna, or the Bergamo Alps--is culturally and liguistically Alpine-Lombard. Along with Italian or Swiss flags, once in awhile a flag of Ticino can be spotted. Ticinese or Swiss Italian heritage is historically connected with San Francisco, San Mateo County, Marin County, Sonoma County, and Napa County. A few months ago back in Brisbane, I noticed a flag of Ticino attached, with a forward mounting bracket, to a fence in the Brisbane hills. Spiritually, I feel like it's a small expression of deep cultural continuity for me across the 60 mile trek from home.

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Invictus: Part 3 - "The Wolf Age"

As I sit here in the cold of a garage, as I have for about five weeks now, I ponder the upcoming Full Wolf Moon which will occur on Monday evening. Monday, "Moon's Day," February 17, 2022. Up to about a week ago, the coldest three-week spell that I can ever remember around here occurred. It never got above about 48 degrees, and dipped down into the 30's on a number of mornings. Although that is not unusual for many parts, for me it's more extreme since I am living in a garage with no heat, and no bed.

Today when I returned from an errand, I saw where the renovation team had emptied the upstairs refrigerator. It reminded me of one of the earliest lessons that my mother had taught me: Never waste food. Perhaps she may have thought about being cold and hungry at times as a child during the unforgiving winters of rural northern Wisconsin. Now she is gone, and I must go on, struggling to meet a lessor opponent than she had met.

In about a week, I must leave this place permanently, and I have already used up a lot of favors. There is a method to this madness, but it's easy to lose grip of it as events control me more than I control them. I don't recall of ever absolutely having to seize opportunities when they present themselves, amid many very dark down periods. For me now, this truly is "The Wolf Age." During this time, I have contracted a condition called chilblains from my fingers and toes being subjected to incessant cold. It's difficult to sleep from the painful swelling of he blood vessels. As I literally shiver now on this Saturday night as I type this, should I complain to someone, or maybe just cave in and quit?

Should I just take on a negative attitude, feel sorry for myself, use some sort of pain killer, or perhaps just become a bad person? Or... should I think of my father who died on a lost highway taking care of his family, my sister who died in battle near Beirut, or my mother who worked as a shipping/receiving clerk for sixty hours a week to keep our home going after they were gone? If they're looking down upon me right now, would they think I'm showing any courage, or at least resiliency? I think this is still a true test of wits and will. My numb fingers and toes are proof enough of at least that. The coyote howls from down in the cold dark canyon now symbolize more than just a fanciful reminder of nature, but of the harshness of life's struggle. This time it's not just talk.

Once more into the fray...
Into the last good fight I'll ever know.
Live and die on this day...
Live and die on this day...

-- 'The Grey'

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